The Frederick Arts and Humanities Council held a Womanless Pageant fundraiser July 29 at the Historic Ramona Theatre in Frederick.
The pageant featured red carpet attendees, judges and pageant contestants. Each participant donned personas in this all male revue.
The cast of the show included:
Red Carpet Attendees:
* Josh Akin as Bambi Fontaine,
* Chase Cassidy as Charis Cashmere,
* Justin Chavez as Cherish Justice ,
* Joey Copeland as Coco Joyland,
* Stephen Ellis as Stephanie Elektra,
* Clement Elsener as Ima Clementine Darling,
* Lance Gutierrez Gigi Lancesomemore,
* Clay Johnson as Claisha Bankajohn,
* Jeff Patterson as Patti Cellapart,
* Fabian Reyes as Moma Buttersworth,
* Kevin Robertson as Robust Kerverson and
* Timothy Wambolt as Wambi Timbolt
* Shane Kendrix as Mr. Clean,
* Joel Neely as Felonious Gru,
* Eddie Whitworth as Judge Wapner, and
* Rodger Wirt as Col. Sanders.
Emcee: John Amyx as Lady Glitter Sparkle.
* Ryan Ade as Athletica McSwag,
* Randy Biggs as Fiona Fender,
* Ben Crawford as Benisha Von Turner,
* Vinson Orr as Daisy Mae or Daisy Mae Not
* Joe Van Russel as Jozabel Hussel, and
* Maurice “Mo” Walton as Sheneneh Jenkins.
The pageant began with Tyler Oxford announcing Lady Glitter Sparkle as the emcee for the evening.
“Before we begin, let’s have a brief introduction of our wonderful emcee this evening,” Oxford said. “Lady Glitter Sparkles is a gypsy at heart. She has traveled the world since the day she was born. Her family traveled with the Ringling Bros Circus until she was 15, when her family inherited some land in the great state of Oklahoma. Longing for the days she performed with the circus, began the desire to enter beauty pageants. She wowed the judges with her talent and won the Miss-ter Junior Oklahoma pageant and the rest was history.”
Lady Glitter Sparkle introduced the red carpet attendees for the evening and each one made his – er – her way to the stage as their name was called.
“Our first guest is Coco Joyland,” Sparkle said. “Isn’t she lovely? Coco is known for her pickup ability. She picks up anything from old clunkers to high dollar rollers. No shame in her game!”
There was no shortage of applause and hooting and hollering from the audience as each graceful lady took her seat on the stage.
“Our next runway contestant is Moma Buttersworth,” Sparkle said. “Moma Buttersworth is one sticky hot mess. Moma knows how to flap those jacks, over and over and over.”
Ima Clementine Darling took the red carpet with Sparkle describing her as an excellent rope handler.
“Our next one down the red carpet is Ima Clementine Darling. She says she can ride anything. More like she will ride anything,” Sparkle said. “She says she’s an expert in the fine art of rope handling, and riding a tractor you say. You farmers out there just try to keep those rows straight with this one riding along. Sponsored by farmersonly.com.”
After all of the red carpet attendees took their seats on stage, Sparkle introduced the judges for the pageant.
“First judge down the aisle is Felonious Gru,” she said. “You might remember him from such shows as ‘Despicable Me.’ Looking absolutely despicable this evening, darling. Is that a minion in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Next down the aisle is Mr. Clean. Mr. Clean’s been keeping housewives happy since 1958. Looking sharp Mr. Clean. Look like the illegitimate son of a pirate and a genie. Our next celebrity judge is Col. Sanders. I absolutely love this man. Before the night’s over I’m going to get your recipe. Our last judge is of People’s Court fame, Judge Wapner. I’m not going to pick on the judge. I don’t want to go to jail.”
After the judges took their seats, it was time for the pageant contestants to take the stage.
First contestant to the stage was Sheneneh Jenkins. Her talent was dancing and cheering on the Bombers, much to the audience’s delight. They cheered for the entire performance. Jenkins’ energy was certainly contagious.
The second contestant was Athletica McSwag. She performed an exercise dance number to the song “Eye of the Tiger.” Mr. – uh – Miss McSwag had great rhythm and engaged the audience with her performance. She certainly has a bright future in the fitness business.
Contestant three was Daisy Mae or Daisy Mae Not. She trick roped an inflatable flamingo before sitting on it and wrestling it to the ground.
Contestant four was Miss Jozabel Hussel. She performed an interesting dance number. If her pageant career doesn’t turn out, she’ll have a lucrative dance career in Las Vegas.
The fifth contestant to take the stage was Fiona Fender. She sang a beautiful Spanish love song. Fender held the audience in the palm of her hand the entire time she was singing. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room when she finished.
Contestant six was Benisha Von Turner. She performed the famous number “Proud Mary.” This contestant wore a swingy dress made famous by Tina Turner. She worked it even better than Tina Turner. The audience didn’t quit applauding for the entire performance.
After the talent portion the contestants took the stage again for the evening wear portion. Each contestant looked lovely in the gown she chose. The contestants took turns frolicking about the stage showing off their assets to the judges.
Each contestant picked a question out of a bowl on stage for the interview portion of the pageant.
“If you were a color, what would you be and why?” Sparkle asked Jenkins.
“I’d be purple,” Jenkins answered. “‘Cause purple is kind, purple is pretty, and most of all, purple is for Mingo.”
McSwag’s question was, “If you win the pageant, what message will you send to the little girls out in the world?”
“If you want to rock a bod like this go to Downtown Fitness,” McSwag answered to cheers from the crowd.
Daisy Mae or Daisy Mae Not was the next contestant to take the stage. Her question was, “Would you break up with your boyfriend for the crown?”
“I’ve always been the girl who can’t say no,” Daisy Mae or Daisy Mae Not said. “But for the crown, tonight’s crown, yes.”
Jozabel Hussel’s question was, “What is your all time favorite chick flick movie and why?”
“My all time favorite chick flick movie would have to be White Chicks!” Hussel answered emphatically. “They remind me of myself.”
Fiona Fender was the next contestant to choose a question.
“What makes you cry and why,” Sparkle asked.
“When I cry whenever I don’t get to be by my man, when he’s crying,” Fender said. “When the last teardrop falls I want to be there with him. I also cry when I don’t catch fish at the lake.”
Last but not least, Benisha Von Turner took the stage. Her question was, “How would you describe a rainbow to a blind man?”
“This is what you get for being last,” Turner said. “To describe the color red I would picture warmth. The color blue, coolness, the color — I’ll just stop right there.”
“I would hate to be a judge right now, I would hate to be a judge,” Sparkle said. “These guys have the hardest job in the room.”
It must not have been that hard because the judges came back with a winner a few minutes later.
The contestants lined up on stage to wait for the judges to hand in their envelope with the winner’s name.
“So ladies, was there any cattiness between you? Any eye gouging? Scratching? Anything?” Sparkle asked.
“Sheneneh acts real ratchet backstage,” Hussel said.
“Any of you other lovely ladies have anything to say?” Sparkle asked. “Athletica, you look like you’re in the zone. Don’t kill me. What is that that you’re wearing on your face?”
“Beauty,” McSwag answered.
The judges handed in the winner’s name.
“Look at that, you’re all holding hands. That’s so sweet,” Sparkle said. “To announce our winner this evening, Miss-ter Frederick is Miss Hussel!”
Sparkle sashed and crowned Hussel but then some drama ensued when Sheneneh Jenkins refused to leave the stage. She stood there giving death stares to Hussel as she did the winner’s walk around the stage. Jenkins finally yanked her wig off and stomped off stage.
Hussel again described Jenkins as ratchet.
The evening concluded with punch and cookies for everyone.
The funds raised from this event will go towards general upkeep of the Historic Ramona Theatre.
Reach Kathleen Guill at 580-379-0588, ext. 2602.